Lovers Come, Lovers Go – But What Remains?
Oh, how painful it can be to lose a lover. Yet, very few live through life without ever having that experience. And I am no exception. In fact, I have had such intense trials of loss in love that it debilitated me in romantic relationships. But do we ever really lose anything, even if lovers come and lovers go? In other words: if you lose the one you love, what remains?
We could give “away” all that we are, and we’d never loose a thing.Sofie Angevaare
The object of your love
When you want nothing more than to fall in love, be in love, and stay in love, losing a lover is tough cookie to swallow. What can you do when the object of your love is no longer there to receive it?
If the object of your love is another person, chances are always present that they will leave you at some point in time. For someone new, for some other experience, or because life on earth might end for them before it does for you.
But is it really true that we lose something when the object of our love is gone? Or have we perhaps, instead, been enriched for life?
Could it be that instead of losing love when we’re parting ways with our lovers, we are simply invited to focus that love elsewhere now? To take that love and build on top of it? As an ever-expanding, ever-growing force of goodness, simply waiting to be unleashed onto the next object, and the next, and the next?
The role of lovers
Perhaps the role of the lover is to help us fall in and out of love however often is required for us to learn that love itself never leaves.
Love is infinite. Their love. Our love. It cannot be depleted. And as long as we believe our love is entirely (or largely) depending on and tied to the object of our love, is it really love at all, or is it perhaps possession? Is it really love, or is it infatuation, attachment, lust, greed or control?
No one can hurt you but you
We’re not at the mercy of other people’s expressed or unexpressed love or affection; we are at the mercy of our own perception.Sofie Angevaare
I have seen a fair amount of lovers come and go in my life. Did some of them break my heart? Certainly. Did I break some hearts? Probably. But did any of us ever truly lose anything?
Anything other than an idea, an expectation, and individually projected future reality that hasn’t come to be?
I recently realized through deep inquiry, emotional release, and other inner work guided by some incredible coaches and healers, that no man has ever truly hurt me in my life. No matter what they did or didn’t do.
The only one who has ever hurt me, was me. Simply by the thought, the idea or the projection that I had about or placed upon them. And I especially hurt myself believing that they could make me “be out of love” when the only one who could ever make me feel love, be in love, and stay in love, is me.
Who’s the source of love?
Every time I told myself “they took my love,” I sold myself short. Because in each and every one of these instances, I’d deny the truth about myself: no one has the power to “take” anything away from me, unless I make it so. No one can ever make me less loving, unless I make it so. How could they take something “away,” when I am the source of that which they took?
I am a source of love. As are you. As are they. We’re not at the mercy of other people’s expressed or unexpressed love or affection; we are at the mercy of our own perception.
All the men I have ever loved, I love still. All the love I have ever been able to receive, I receive still. Love is present with me still. The form changes but the feeling remains. The problem is not that the feeling leaves us but the form. And we attach ourselves to the form, believing that they hold the key to that which we most long to feel.
We mistake the form for the feeling. We believe the form is the answer. While all along, we are the form. We are the form and the form is ever-changing. Yes, we can choose to shape-shift together. But we can also choose to shape-shift alone.
Committing to love
Being in love is something you can commit to with or without having a lover. You don’t need a specific object to love. You can choose to feel, give and receive love as your natural state of being. Which in turn relieves any type of partner, friend or family member from the pressure of having to do anything for you to make you happy. Happiness and love are inside jobs.
Yes, I’d love to be and stay in love with one lover. But I am beginning to get the feeling that this is actually what I have always done. Unknowingly. Simply, because on the grand scale of it all, we are all one. One big ever-changing, shape-shifting form of love, expressed in an infinite array of shapes, forever dancing in love.
On a personal level, of course, we can choose how to express, share, give and receive this love. This is our freedom. But it is not our freedom to make someone else express, share, give and receive their love with us. Just like making someone else happy doesn’t work, making someone love us doesn’t work either.
Unconditional love – with or without lover
Being in love and being loving is a choice we can make regardless of each other. We can choose to rise in love and keep rising along the way. And together, we can choose to create a love that requires no conditions other than the presence of love itself.
I’d love to be in a relationship that isn’t based on them meeting my needs or “ticking my boxes” nor on me fulfilling theirs alone. But one in which two forms commit to being and growing in love together. Not in order to fulfil each other’s need to give or receive love; we’d both do that either way. But in order to stand in love together – and to keep rising in love, as a choice, every single day.
But whether this relationship may find me or not, whether I will stay single or not, I have already made the decision; I will be in love, stand in love, and rise in love – day, by day, by day. No matter how many lovers still may come or go.
And to the lovers that have already come and gone: thank you for being one of my favorite objects of love thus far and thank you for helping me strengthen my love muscle. May you keep showing up with love, in love, again and again and again.